SO TRUE!

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife, "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me. Only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

WARNING TO ALL WOMEN!

This was sent by one of our league members because she cares about us!

IMPORTANT MESSAGE
> You've no doubt heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.
>
> My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?
> I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.
> Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.
> And then the thieves struck again...
>
> My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.
>
> Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to Me next?
>
> When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts - stolen from you and Me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', Look again - was it lifted from you?
>
> THIS IS NOT A HOAX - This is happening to women everywhere every night.
>
> WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
>
> P.S. Last year I thought someone had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone!
>
> But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
>
> I thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.
>
> Have a wonderful day - with a joy filled heart.
>
> Always remember to Laugh!!
>
> Helps the heart AND the wrinkles!!
>
> P.P.S. Those same thieves just came into my closet and shrank my clothes !
>
> How do they do that????

Thanks for caring, Susan!

MORE QUOTABLE QUOTES

Take it easy and lazily, because the golf ball isn't going to run away from you while you're swinging. -Sam Snead

Being left-handed is a big advantage: No one knows enough about your swing to mess you up with advice. -Bob Charles

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. -Tommy Bolt

Never break your putter and your driver in the same match, or you're dead. -Tommy Bolt

Ninety percent of putts that are short don't go in. -Yogi Berra

Through years of experience, I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt. -Jack Nicklaus

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball. -Don Carter

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. -Phyllis Diller

The more I preactice, the luckier I get. -Gary Player

What goes up must come down. But don't exxpect it to come down where you can find it. -Lily Tomlin

QUOTABLE QUOTES

The following come from the book "Al Capone was a Golfer, Hundreds of Fascinating Facts from the World of Golf" by Erin Barrett and Jack Mingo

Golf is a puzzle without an answer. -Gary Player

Golf is a game of expletives not deleted. -Dr. Irving Gladstone

Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad. -A. A. Milne

Golf is like faith: It is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. -Arnold Haultain

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. -ChiChi Rodriguez

Golf is 20% mechanics and technique. The other 80% is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversations. -Grantland Rice

Golf is the hardest game in the world. There is no way to ever get it. Just when you think you do, the game jumps up and puts you in your place. -Ben Crenshaw

Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result. -Thomas Armour

Golf is good for the soul. You get so mad at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. -Will Rogers.

Golf is not a game of great shots. It's a game of the most accurate misses. -Gene Littler

Golf is a game of endless predicaments. -ChiChi Rodriguez

Golf is a game where guts, stick-to-it-ness and blind devotion will get you nothing but an ulcer. -Tommy Bolt

BUT MOST OF ALL:

Golf is meant to be fun. -Jack Nicklaus

Wise man that Jack.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

More GOLFING WIT...

The most maddening thing about golf is the perversity with which the body refuses to obey the mind. Pat Ward-Thomas

Golf teaches us that although patience is a virtue, slow play is not. Marc Gellman

The best way to deal with people hassling you to play faster is to let them play through - and then hassle them. Jack Benny

Winning isn't about making a lot of great shots. It's about making very few bad ones. Tommy Armour

The secret of missing a tree is to aim for it. Michael Green

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing. Henry Beard

The secret of good golf is to play it as though were a game. Doug Gambon

WHAT IS GOLF?

From the book GOLFING WIT, Quips and Quotes for the Golf-Obsessed...

What is Golf?

Golf is a dumb game. You're supposed to play it for fun, but the less you hit the ball, the more fun you have. Lou Graham

Golf is the easiest game of all to play badly. Kevin Flanagan

Gof was never meant to be an exact science. Einstein was lousy at it. Bob Toski

Golf is a game where you sock the ball hard and walk four feet. Herbert Prochnow

Golf is not a funeral, though both can be very sad affairs. Bernard Darwin

Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously it's boring, and if you do it breaks your heart. Rod Funseth

Golf is not a game, it's bondage. It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt, eager to atone for his sins. Anon

Golf is the most popular method of beating around the bush. Leopold Fechtner

Golf is somewhere between making love and writing a poem. John Updike

OMG! MORE MURPHY?!?!

And Finally:

MURPHY'S DICTATES OF GOLF ETIQUETTE:

"If you can't outrun a golfclub, don't give advice."

"No one blows his nose at the end of your follow through."

"No one has a coughing fit as you walk off the tee."

"No golfer ever played too fast."

"No group ever played too quietly."

"Never take a lesson from your father or husband."

"Never steal a lost ball until it stops rolling."

"Play is always faster on the other nine."

MURPHY'S LAWS OF GOLF PHYSICS:

"There are four forces affecting the motion of a golf ball:

1. GRAVITY, which causes the ball to drop suddenly into hazzards.

2. ELECTROMAGNETISM, which makes the ball curve sharply towards whichever of the earth's pole is closest to the Out of Bounds stakes.

3. THE WEAK FORCE, which makes the ball dribble to the red tee.

4. THE STRONG FORCE, which propels the ball directly towards a foursome of personal injury lawyers in the adjacent fairwy."

Hope you enjoyed Murphy!

MORE MURPHY???? SHEESH!

"Anyone can groove a good, Solid, repeatable practice swing."

"Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing."

"There are three essentials to a great golf swing:
1. Keep your head still
2. Keep your stupid head still
3. Keep your damn, stupid head still"

"The key to mastering the short shots is to make sure you don't start hitting them until you get within 100 yards of the green."

"Putts come three to a package."

"The green often forgets which way the last putt broke."

"Every putt is straight if you hit the damn thing hard enough."

"Even if it is longer than the fourth putt was, the fifth putt is always good."

More Murphy...

"Confidence evaporates in the presence of water."

"99.99% of the universe is empty space, but the last .01% will stop a golf ball dead."

"Every time a golfer makes a birdie, she must make two triple bogeys to restore the equilibrium of the universe."

"The number of tees in a golf bag is always less than 3 or more than 600."

"Even if a ball retriever extends to 40 feet, it will always be one foot too short to reach the ball."

"A golf vacation is a trip taken by two or more players to a place where no one can remember when it rained so much."

"Strokes always accumulate faster than they can be forgotten."

"Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the first of the next group of three."

"One birdie is a hot streak."

"It's easier to shrink your shoe size than to lower your handicap."

SOME MORE MURPHY

"Hazards attract, Fairways repel, and Trees never stop crooked shots."

"A ball will always travel the farthest when hit in the wrong direction."

"A ball will never lip out of a bunker or burn the edge of a pond."

"If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball will be in the bunker"

"If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint."

"The key to target golf is to choose a really, really BIG target."

"Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole."

"If you absolutely, postively must have a par on a hole, leave your birdie putt one inch short."

"When in doubt, just ask yourself "What would Tiger hit" and use 6 clubs more."

"You haven't really hit bottom until you need your ball retriever regripped."

more to come...

MURPHY'S LAWS OF GOLF

These "laws" are taken from the book "Murphy's Laws of Golf" by Henry Beard.
ENJOY!

"Anything that can go wrong will wait to go wrong until after you leave the practice tee!"

"Anything that can go right will go way, way right."

"No matter how badly you're playing, you can always play worse."

"Anything works for three holes. What worked yesterday won't work today. It won't work tomorrow either."

"The reason you do so well on the range is because it's really not all that hard to hit the horizon in regulation."

"If you address the ball for more than 20 seconds, it's not a waggle - it's a seizure."

"It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first one."

...more later!